We found a picture of my grandmother. It's amazing how much my daughter actually looks like her.

My beloved grandmother. Picture taken in the 60's...probably.

Most wonderful human being I have ever known. I always loved her and this love will never end. This love doesn't even fade.

The older I get, the more I think about her. I was 10 years old when she was murdered, yet I remember everything. The good and the bad.

When my parents said 'no' - she said 'yes'.
When my best friend in first grade got a fancy sticker collection - my grandmother took me to the next toystore and said: 'pick the best ones you can find. get all of them!'

When the fair was in town and my parents said: 'you have spent enough money today' - my grandmother said: 'mamaw is taking you to the fair, again. have all the fun!'

She loved me (and her other grandkids) so very much.

[+Aug. 14th 1994]
Sharing this picture with you guys because I know that some of you care.

He is dead. My grandmother's murderer died a few hours ago. What a relief, what a joy. I think now, after 18 yrs. my grandmother can finally rest in peace.

I called my mom and asked what she's up to and she said: "I'm at his apartment. Getting all the stuff I will need for the funeral home. Checking his bank. Seems like there's at least enough to cover the funeral."

And now my dad called me: "I got good news for you. He died a few hours ago."


....
that bastard is now in Satan's hands. May his last breath has been filled with unbearable pain. and may he now suffer even more when all the demons from his past will chase him down.

This is a day of joy for me. It's time to party. Time to buy some champagne.

You might say 'nobody deserves to die' - believe me, he did. He deserved nothing but pain and a painful death.

Is he dead yet?!

I actually don't know.
I guess my mother would have called me if the hospital had contacted her. Not sure though.

I don't really know how she feels about this whole situation about her stepfather. No clue if he ever was a good father to her, before all the drinking and beating her mother began. But I actually don't care. He killed her mother, my grandmother. The only real grandmother me and my brother ever had.

Last night was horrible, I couldn't sleep. Only one thought crossed my mind: "Should I go to the hospital?!"
Why you're asking. Well I would love to finally confront him myself with what he has done, what he has taken from me, from my whole family. My daughter never got the chance to meet her great-grandmother. She was the most lovely and kind person this world has ever seen.

If he wouldn't have driven her into drinking, she would still be alive today. She could have said no, or leave him you might think. But she actually couldn't. She was weak. Her only flaw was her weakness.


I wish he would finally admit that he killed my grandmother. I probably won't go to the hospital after all. I think I wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes without freaking out. Without beating him to death. -if he isn't already dead. Who knows.

I know one thing for sure: As soon as he's dead, I will regret of not confronting him. Within the last 18 years all I wanted was answers. I always thought I would get answers. I'm too weak for going to the hospital. I'm too weak to step up for my grandmother. I don't even know why.

The cops would probably have to arrest me for beating up a dying man if I get to the hospital. Can't do that to my kid, so I guess I will just stay at home and wait for the 'final' call.

Thinking straight isn't really an option for me right now. I'm in rage. I have so much hate built up inside me. It feels like I'm going crazy here.

All I ever wanted was to see him die. Now I want him to live just a few weeks longer so I can gain some strength to confront him.

I don't know what I want. But I know I want him dead. I want him to feel the same pain my grandmother had to feel throughout all the years she had to deal with his violence.